I'm having some serious doubts about going to California. I want to go, but then I may not have enough money later down the road to buy the things that I need... like a mac computer, Final Cut Pro, or a car. I'm seriously at a crossroads, but I don't think California is going to work out. I want to move out of this god forsaken house! I'm sick of my parents making me feel guilty and all this crap! I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it! >_<

So, this is what I'm going to do. I can't stand being around my parents to this trip to California...I need to go by myself for I don't want them telling me a million things to do. I hate fighting with them all the time. I hate it! I'm just so angry that I can't just move out on my own and get a place of my own, so I can be alone and put myself back to together again.

I'm so broken it's not even funny. I have no self-esteem left, no confidence... blame it on me for I should've left years ago. My parents are always saying how I blame them for everything: YOU BROKE IT, NOW FIX IT! I just want to be alone. So, I have finally made up my mind....California is not right for me at this period of my life. I'm not ready! I wanted to make this journal because I'm so confused about a lot of things right now... I need help and I'm just depressed that I cannot make up my mind. Maybe I'll go to California, maybe I won't... maybe I'll quit my job, maybe I won't...

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I make up my fucking mind? Somebody please give me some advice or something. I need answers.